Up Close & Personal – Events That Changed Me

Posted: 14. aug. 2010 in Life
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  • Moving from Tallinn to Tartu – I left behind my grandmother and became more close with my second (Tartu) grandmother. In a way it was sad but I’m okay with it because my second grandmother has been the biggest supporter of me and has taught me everything about life. And I consider Tartu as my hometown not Tallinn.
  • Birth of my brother – I felt that I have the responsibility to act as a bigger sister, to protect him and to be an example for him. I was so happy that now I have someone to play with. And looking at him in his cradle I decided to become the best big sister he could have.
  • Parents divorcing – it really wasn’t a sad or tragic thing for me, it wasn’t a catastrophe.  But it changed me because I had less and less contact with my father and with the relatives on his side. We kind of grew apart. I still have contact with my father of course but not so much with the other relatives like my uncle or his children.
  • Going to school – before school I was a rebellious kid and a tomboy – I did everything my parents told me not to do, I climbed trees and played with boys. But finally school made me calm down.
  • 5th grade – suddenly we weren’t kids anymore, we were teenagers and the clothes you wore mattered. It wasn’t really pleasant to discover that you’re not the cool kid with cool clothes and cool things to show off.
  • The end of basic school – I graduated the first level of our education system. After that I took a trip to France and Italy and left behind some really painful and bad memories from the basic school that even to this day haunt me. When you hurt a teenager she/he doesn’t forget it  and you end up with life-time scars that don’t go away. At least so it is with me.
  • The death of the grandmother that lived in Tallinn – It was when I was in high school, just before the 11th grade. I was so shocked about her death that I tried to lock up my feelings, pretend it’s not a a big deal. For a while it worked but some time later the grief hit me and I just cried and thought of how much I miss her. And I still miss her so much.
  • Meeting a certain guy – at that age I was so idealistic about love, I thought that things would be like in a fairytale – we meet, fell in love and live happily ever after. We did meet in the summer before my final year in high school and he fell in love with me but I discovered that sometimes you can like a guy as a friend but nothing more. I cut off all communications with him and I’m not very proud of the way I did it and I still feel bad how things ended with him. To this day I haven’t heard anything about him – since he was older than me I assume that by now he is (hopefully) married with children. I really wish only the best to him and I hope he doesn’t hold a grudge. But he changed my view of love – I wasn’t this naive girl dreaming about his prince charming, I had a more realistic view.
  • The end of the high school – feeling like a grown up but on the other hand really questioning myself of what to do next and if I’m doing the right thing. I finally made a choice to study government and politics. But graduating from high school really made me feel that “wow, now one chapter of my life is over”.
  • Metallica concert in 2006 – before that I listened to some rock and some Metallica songs too but in  that concert I enjoyed the whole atmosphere, concert and people around me. And heavy metal had won my heart forever \m/
  • Learning something about someone I thought was a friend – on a party I found out that the person I thought to be a friend had betrayed me. It hurt really bad and I shut myself to the outside world. Don’t let anyone in and you won’t get hurt. I guess it’s one reason I tried to avoid making more close friends in the university. Yeah, I know – I have issues.
  • Being put down by one of my college professors – it made me realize that ultimately college is like any other typical school.You must think the same way as the professor thinks or you’re a bad human being AND you get a bad grade. I lost complete interest in politics and government in general and in the university in general.
  • Graduating university and getting a BA degree – since I lost almost all interest in university and struggled to get through the academic research one has to make to end university  I  decided to have a “blank” year or a year off to decide what I’m going to do next – enter the masters studies or do something else.
  • Getting to know Kandee Johnson via Youtube – she has made me feel better about myself and changed the way I see the world. She taught me lot about make-up and styling and encouraged me to follow my dreams.
  • Nightwish concert at Hartwall Arena on 19.09.2009 – I totally went with the flow and all the bad things that happened to me were like “washed” away. I felt like a new person.
  • Doing the Rammstein video on Youtube – it was the first proper video I had done and in that video I tried to reach the management of Rammstein to get the band to play in Estonia. Yeah, I know – a naive thought and to this day they probably haven’t seen it but Rammstein played in Estonia 4 months later. Definitely not connected with me but after I made that video I got so much positive feedback that I decided to make more videos. And the Rammstein concert in Estononia was totally awesome 😉
  • Starting “Heavy Metal News Weekly” on Youtube as a weekly news show – as I’ve said before I started this because I read the news myself from different forums and websites and thought I’d make the news show where I tell the news to other people interested in metal/rock. And so far it has been great – I’ve met some really awesome people, I have done interviews with great and super-awesome bands and I’ve really enjoyed this. I’ve grown as a person due to this and I’m not afraid to cross my “comfort-zone” anymore.
  • The “blank” year – at first I wasn’t sure if it’s the right choice to take an off year. But now I’m so happy that I did it – I know what I want to do next, I know what I won’t do and I know I’m a better and more clear-minded person now. Time does heal wounds and it does give you clarity 😉

These are the events that have changed me so far. Hopefully new changes are ahead 🙂


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